Who do you want to see?

It is Valentine's day. I have spent the entire day inside, alone. Bedroom door shut. Don't want Hayley and Martin to rub their in-love-ness in my face. He bought her some flowers, with a card that said "I'll love you until the last flower dies". Turns out he put a plastic flower in there so it'll never die. Soppy git.
No one asked me if I wanted to do anything, which is depressing. Seems all those guys I know only want me as a sort of...fling. I texted Thomas today, just to say "Happy Valentine's day". I didn't get a reply. I wasn't expecting one.
I got some work done today, though. Nearly a whole page of the textual analysis assignment that's due in on Wednesday. I'm going to finish it tomorrow.
It has been a relatively interesting week since my last blog post. Wednesday obviously meant Boogie Lounge. We went round to Nik's first and got a bit merry, went to Boogie quite late but it was absolutely dead. Even so, we got even merrier and danced and partied and had a good time. I saw Robbie, stole his hat. Twice. Lost it. Twice. He didn't look too pleased with me. When Boogie finished, Laura and that lot left without me, on my instruction, as Robbie and I tried to decide on our plan for the rest of the night. He said he wanted me to go back to his, but didn't want it to happen "like this", as in, when we were drunk. We ended up going back to his anyway. It was eventful, but comfortable. There was no weirdness. He paid for us both to get a taxi back to campus in the morning. No one knows exactly what happened that night and I have no intention to tell anyone.
Friday night was host to some Valentine's night at the SU. I'd already agreed earlier in the day with Laura that we'd go down there for a gossip. I was talking to Mark on Facebook chat about an hour before I went down there, and he asked me to go round to his. I said he only wanted me to go round for rude reasons, and he didn't deny it. He then asked me to go out to some club with him, and then back to his afterwards. I declined but told him I'd be at the SU later, and he could see me there. Later, I went down to the SU with Laura, Caragh, Katy and Olwen. The latter three left early. They were just finishing up a Blind Date game when we got there, shame really, as it looked entertaining. Robbie was DJ'ing. Arwel was sitting about with his friends, shot me a wave. I smiled back. Jon was there, being Jon, and he texted me to say hi. Mark came in a little bit later. He came over to the bar and...well, he was being Mark, so I went over and had a brief chat with him. I had a few little chats with Aaron here and there, but a little bit later, Laura and I went and sat on the arms of the sofas in the middle of the room, and Aaron came over and properly talked to us for a while. Meanwhile, Arwel kind of appeared beside me, hugged me and apologised for not talking to me that night. I said it was okay, and he said he'd see me soon. I asked if he'd be at Boogie on Wednesday, and he said maybe, and then yes. He hugged me again, and again, and then left.
The SU was pretty empty by then, and I was discussing with Laura whether or not we should sit with Aaron and Jack. Just as I was saying we should, Aaron started pulling faces and mouthing offensive words at me, so we went and sat with them. He told me how he fancies Emily an awful lot. I felt a little bad for Laura at this point, because I admit, I was neglecting her. The conversation with the boys dwindled and the bar closed, so the boys left, as did Laura. I went and talked to Jon momentarily, and he didn't have a lot to say, but he did try and hold my hand, which I avoided. Everyone else left, besides Robbie, so I hung about and talked to him for a bit. He had a smoke outside, and kissed me quickly before asking me to see his band Saturday lunchtime at some venue in town. I told him maybe, and he left.
I didn't go to see him yesterday. I talked to Hana about it, though, and she's convinced he actually likes me, as more than a fling. But I don't quite like him that much.
Speaking of relationships and that, though, I had a think about possible boyfriend situations. I have realised that my need to have constant flings is a psychological problem based in wanting everyone to like me, stemming from no one liking me thoughout the rest of my youth. I've also decided that I'm not going to think "I want a boyfriend", or "I just want innocent flings", because I am instead going to just go with the flow, take each blow as it comes. See what happens. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself.
My left eye is bloody swollen in the corner. Hurts like a motherbitch when I blink. Took my contact lenses out and shoved some eye drops in it, hoping it'll sort itself out by tomorrow. Stupid eye.

Who do you want to be tonight?

Let's twist again

I'm in a weird mood. Like, I'm feeling really thoughtful, sort of lonely.
Retrospective.
I miss Teeto. I really miss him. I haven't spoken to him since early January, and even then, that wasn't a proper conversation. I miss him so much. I feel a little bit like...since I invested so much time and thought and care in him, he's taken a little part of me, now that we don't talk anymore. I don't even know why we don't talk, it's stupid. I just want him back, because for a little while, he was mine. I want to call him and ask him what he's playing at, but I know he either won't pick up, or he'll tell me something I don't want to know.
I miss Dan as well. I loved knowing him, meeting him at Glastonbury, having him stay round for my birthday. We got on so well, I sort of almost thought it'd turn into something beautiful if it weren't for the distance. After texting him a couple of days ago, though, I've pretty much established that it was just a fling. Nothing was supposed to come of it. Nothing will.
After talking to Martin about it a bit the other day, I've realised I don't want Lou. I mean, I want him as a friend, and I love being able to cuddle him and that. Equally well, I want a boyfriend. The thing is, I don't want Lou to be my boyfriend. But I really, really would like a relationship. I suppose two years and four months of being single has finally really hit me.
I want to pick up a guitar again. And by that, I mean I want to actually learn this time. Not play the same chord sequences over and over. I want to learn things. I want to learn acoustic songs. I want to cover Let's Twist Again, acoustically, and make it soulful. Almost like it was written by someone when they're hurting. Retrospectively. Left-handed acoustics are far too much money though, I'll really have to save up. Or get a job.
Arwel walked past my window a little while ago. He was with his girlfriend, and they were holding hands. Whilst I don't have a problem with this, it was kind of weird for me to see him with someone else. Partly because he acts single when he goes out, and clearly, I'm the only girl he tends to flirt with when he's out. He buys me drinks every week without fail. Why act like you're available when you're not?

Like we did last summer. Let's twist again, like we did last year.

Next thing, we're touching

Hellooooo Saturday night in. I've spent the past half hour discovering dubstep on YouTube, and have made myself a sexy little playlist to get me in a party mood. Why I'm listening to it now is beyond me, but it'll come in handy on Monday night when I'm preparing to go out to Kishi's dubstep night at Boogie Lounge, which is also the TVP social, thanks to me.
It's been a pretty average week. Not a lot has happened. Well. That might be an understatement.
Lou came round soon after my last blog post. Despite it being gone 10pm, he realised I was having a mental breakdown and cycled over here like a little trooper to cheer me up. Unsurprisingly, this lead to smooching and slight filthiness, and he stayed til 3am. I kicked him out, feeling slightly bad. I would've let him stay for the night but I was determined to be a good girl. So he left. He came round again on Sunday, though I steered clear of any smooching as I'd gotten a bit frightened he'd get the wrong idea. The whole weekend was a bit dull, though, since I was feeling awfully ill and so wasn't really keen on the idea of doing much. And Hayley and Martin weren't in.
Tuesday was spent making cakes with Laura, for the TVP cake sale we had on Wednesday. We made some little brownie cupcakes and then these little fairy cakes with mini egg nests on the top. We had a meeting Tuesday night in the SU to discuss what was happening with the cake sale, but once it finished, Laura and I realised there was going to be "live music" and cheap booze in the SU, so we popped off to get some money and returned shortly after. We ended up sitting about with Isobel and Bryony, who bought us some shots and got me a little bit tipsy. Naughty girls. I ended up talking to Isobel about Lou, since they're good friends, and she said I should get with Lou just so I can go round to his house all the time, and she can come round to see me. I ended up explaining the wholeeee Lou situation to her, and she totally understood, but still thinks I should get with him. Silly. I ended up texting him about it, and we kind of agreed that we'll stay just friends but we enjoyed the relative filth of Friday night, and sort of said...whatever happens, happens. Which was lovely.
Wednesday, of course, meant Boogie Lounge! I had a slight problem in that Laura didn't want to come out with me, and Martin and Hayley were staying in as well, so I had to beg Lottie and Kasia to let me go with them. Which I did. Spent most of the night with Cat, which was a laugh and a half. Turns out she's pretty good friends with Arwel because she lives with his girlfriend, so she wanted to talk to him for a fair bit. So...while she was talking to him at the bar, I was subtly stroking his leg. And when she decided to play Blackjack with him a few minutes later, I casually leant my leg against his and played with his fingers. Sure enough, the minute I turned my back, the filthy bugger grabbed my arse and held my hands, which was pretty difficult for me, since I had to act to Cat like nothing was going on.
I did see Lou at Boogie, and he got plentyyyy of hugs, but nothing very exciting. I also saw Dean, who very drunkenly sat down with me, held my hand and kissed my cheek about a billion times. I would've given him a minor smooch if it weren't for the fact I was slightly worried he might vomit on me.
This week's major Boogie event was smooching Mark. Oh yes, I smooched Mark. Before the smooching was a minor bit of hand holding, when Rich apologised to me AGAIN for the shenanigans ages ago, and I promised him it was okay. Wee bit later on, saw Mark again and...I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but there was kissing. He then told me he needed a wee, so I let him go. As he left, I saw all his mates standing behind him, jaws wide open in shock. Moments later, they ran up the stairs after him, to give him the third degree, undoubtedly. Meanwhile, I found my glorious Welsh friend and he bought me a drink. He also asked for my number, and then apologised for his rudeness, but also asked for my name. I told him it was Becky, and he asked what I'd like to be saved as, "Becky or Becks or what?". I said it was up to him, and he saved me as "Sexy lady". Let's see him explain that one to his girlfriend. He vanished soon after, and Mark reappeared. Further kissing ensued until Mark suggested we leave. I went to the loos briefly before we left, and met Arwel again just outside the loos. He was looking a bit down, so I asked if he was okay and he said he was wasted. I sat with him, arms linked, and told him I knew he had a girlfriend. He didn't look too pleased, but I said I still thought he was lovely, and I was still in love with his accent, and it didn't change anything. I promised I'd see him next Wednesday. Which I will. Amber and Ellie saw us there, and asked what we were up to, but we both reassured them we were just talking. They didn't look convinced.
Anyway, I then shimmied back to see Mark. I got my coat, we left. We stopped at Regency so he could get a lighter or something off one of his friends. A friend who gave me a good look up and down - I think he was trying to figure out if I was going to sleep with Mark. So we walked back to Pittville, where I asked him, quite persistantly, what he was expecting from me. It made him squirm, thus, I thoroughly enjoyed it. He came back to mine, anyway, and there was kissing and various other innocent activity until roughly 6am. Then he left. He left one of his hobo gloves behind, though, and so I shall be forced to give it back. I do regret him coming round. I suddenly find him about fifty times less attractive. There is no mystery left.
All of this has helped me decide that I shall behave myself from now on. Get back into my no-smooching rule, and start no-smooching February. And I'll act like nothing ever happened with Mark. Plan and a half.

Everybody's starry-eyed.

Until then, you can run away

Adding to the fact no one is home and I'm ill, my external hard drive has decided to give up. After much fighting with it, the netbook seemed certain that there are, in fact, no files on the external hard drive. That would mean approximately 100GB of music, television and film had just vanished, just like that. I phoned daddy and he said to unplug it, leave it alone for a bit, and try to transfer everything over to the laptop's hard drive when I finally get my laptop back. That is, if the external hard drive agrees to work, if even for a little while. Daddy said he'll pay for a new external hard drive, but a better one. One that doesn't have a big, whirring, breaking fan inside it. I am hoping and praying that there's some saving all that stuff, because I will actually have a mental breakdown if it's gone forever.
To make matters worse, it's valentine's day soon, and Martin's planned this big fancy meal and a night in a hotel for Hayley, and Jase is taking Hana out for a meal. And Martin told Hayley he loves her last night.
And then the question mark key fell off the keyboard and I had to spend a good five minutes re-attaching it.
Nothing is even trying to make me happy right now. I don't even know what I've done to deserve all this from the world.

Do your best to hide your face.

Across the room, across the room

Hello, Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, I am being boring and doing nothing, as per usual. I suppose it's a bit more justified this weekend though, since I appear to have caught some kind of cold, and thus am coughing my guts up. Not so much fun.
Once again, Hayley and Martin have gone to stay round at Hayley's house. It's Hayley's best friend's birthday, so they're going to Gatecrasher tonight to celebrate. They won't be back here til Sunday. So it's just me and Hana, again. I don't even have any work to do or anything, so I will die of illness and boredom.
I applied for a couple of jobs the other day. I am prayyyying that someone hires me, because I really could do with the money. Only time will tell, I suppose.
Boogie Wednesday was good, as usual. Hayley was ill, so she stayed home and Martin stayed with her. Hana stayed home as well, because she wanted to save her money. So I went with Laura and a bunch of her friends instead. It was good fun, I got rather drunk. I almost prefer going out with them, in a way, because they dance like girls and enjoy a bit of partying, whereas Martin and Hayley tend to try to look cool, and thus laugh at me when I actually dance. Which isn't very nice really. Laura's friend Tom saw his friend Archie, who seemed to take a liking to me. Apperently, he pointed me out very early on. He kept trying to dance with me and stuff, asked me who I am and what course I'm doing and so on. He was definitely not my type though, as he looked slightly like a German porn star. As in, he was blonde and quite...fit, in a muscular way. He was attractive, I won't lie, but he just really wasn't my type. I didn't lead him on though, I made it obvious that I wasn't interested, but I am told he was "really gutted" when I danced with Arwel instead. The dancing with Arwel thing was a bit weird, actually. I'd found his facebook about a week ago, and it says he has a girlfriend, so I pretty much figured I'd carry on flirting but leave it at that, because I'm no slag. But, I danced with him a little bit, and he held my hand, like, properly held my hand. And he kept squeezing my arse. And then, later on, when I told him I was leaving, he kissed me. Twice. It was only a little peck, but it was on my lips nonetheless. And then he said he'll see me next week. Which he will.
I saw Lou at Boogie, as well. Just gave him a bit of a hug, and a quick kiss on the cheek before I left. Saw Jack F, but didn't do the usual bum-groping routine, instead I just talked to him briefly, and he told me he's quit smoking and is finding it quite difficult. I told him he'll be fine. Cotton was about, very drunk. He smelt lovely, so I told him that, and he stuck his neck up so I could have a proper good sniff. It was very funny, but me and Laura then talked for a bit about how adorable he is. That was pretty much it, though. No thrilling Boogie antics.
Just remembered, though, that Laura and I saw Mark in the SU a couple of nights before that, and he took his hoodie off to play pool. He never ever takes his hoodie off, but underneath, he was wearing a relatively tight t-shirt. We were quite shocked to see how buff he actually is. I could hardly stop myself staring at his arms. I may have actually said "Phwoar".

I hope to watch you writhe again soon.

It's nine in the afternoon.

So I went to town today with Laura and Kris, bought some shoes, some food, various bits and bobs in Boots. Got my tattoo touched up as well, so it's looking all fresh and sexy. For now. Laura told me today that I'm like a female Michael McIntyre. I was very pleased to hear this, and when I repeated this information to Lou, he agreed. Go me.
Hayley and Martin have gone back to Hayley's for the night - she wanted to take her car back home and he went with her. So it was just Hana about, and she'd got Erin round. They persuaded me to go to the SU with them for a little bit, which I did. It was very empty, but we sat and had one drink and then came back. They went straight into Hana's room and watched Russell Brand, so I went into my room and sort of...cleaned up a bit. Lou had said he might pop up to see me, so I wanted to make sure he had somewhere to sit and that. Of course, British weather being what it is, it rained enough that he didn't want to come round. Entirely reasonable. Shame though.
Maxine from upstairs (who I have never spoken to in my life) informed me that she was having a flat party and that I should go. I considered it, but decided against it because I can't be bothered. It got to about half 10 and I was absolutely knackered and figured I'd go to bed. But sure enough, everyone decided to run up to Maxine's and be noisy and put on loud music at 11, so now there is absolutely no chance of me getting any sleep until quite late. I officially hate them all for this.
I wish Lou had come round. Company would've been good.

Your eyes are the size of the moon.

Watch you spin around in your highest heels

Went to Revs with a few of the girls in my class on Tuesday. We had fun. We got rather drunk off various cocktails and got very over-excited with the candles and boxes of matches. And then we set some straws on fire and choked on the melting plastic smell. Young arsonists. It had started snowing while we were in there, and was still snowing as we left, so we threw snowballs at each other and tried our hardest not to fall over. When we got back to campus, we made a "snow devil" in the courtyard and wrote a handful of very immature words in the snow. My toes were terribly numb.
Went to Boogie Lounge yesterday. First Boogie of the new year, and my goddd, I'd missed it. I was very very drunk. Very. Sabrina said, when we'd first got there, that I should try to go the whole night without talking to any guys. I argued that I'm friends with all the guys I smooch, so it'd be harsh to ignore them. Surely enough, as I was explaining this, various young men walked past, put their hands on my hips and said hello. Including the Welsh boy who bought me a drink in Propaganda, and Aaron (who I thought was still getting jiggy with Jodie, but Hayley says that's over). And, surprisingly enough, Dean, who I don't believe I've ever had a conversation with, but I did tell him he was attractive at the first ever Boogie I went to. He asked me how I was. I found this amusing. Got funny faces pulled at me by Jack F, talked to Richard briefly, got my arse pinched by Jon, the usual routine with Mark. I also spoke to my adorable little barman, who asked me how my Christmas was and flashed me a wink when he gave me my change. Really rather fancy him. Only saw Lou as I was dashing off to the toilets, so I didn't actually get the chance to talk to him. This annoyed me. Had a short conversation with Robbie, though I was too drunk to remember what was said. I do recall him asking how one dances to La Roux, and then I took his hat off for the purpose of styling his hair just like La Roux. Silly gingers. He walked off so I joined Sabrina and Hayley on the dancefloor. Dancing ensued. They played Don't Stop Believin' by Journey, to which everyone was singing along. It was like something off a film. Epic.
Just before Boogie closed, I spotted Jack by the bar and ran over to say hello. He was in the middle of getting a drink, so he said hello, and then put his arm around me. He left his arm there for a good 30 seconds, round my waist, whilst he was sorting out his drink and everything. I am attracted to Jack, he's a funny guy, and there's something terribly sexy about the fact that he's a bit of a whore when he's single. And that's exactly what I talked to him about - the fact that Louis had told me that all he could ever hear from Jack's room was sex noises. He was outraged, but said he'd heard sex noises from Louis' room as well, and they always congratulated each other. Men. Jack bought me a shot, without me asking him to, and held my hand for a reasonable amount of this conversation. I felt a tad guilty, because he does have a long-distance girlfriend, but a little hand-holding is innocent enough. Sabrina disagreed and gave me somewhat of a talking to on the way back. Soon after this conversation, Sabrina came over and told me we were leaving. I protested because I never get to see Jack, and was having a nice conversation, but she didn't care. Jack promised to see me again soon, and I left. After smiling at my adorable barman.
The lady doing all the cloakroom stuff had managed to somehow drop my coat - and only my coat - on the floor, and thus it took us a very long time to find it. I shouted at her a little bit, which I feel bad for, but I was rather drunk, and I wholly intend to apologise when I see her next.
When we got back, it took me a while to fall asleep because the room span every time I closed my eyes. So I had to sober up somewhat before I could sleep. I think it was about 5am by the time I managed to get some shut eye. Then I slept until midday. Sillyyyyyy.
All in all, good night. Definitely a good night. And I didn't smooch anyone.

You are the best one, of the best ones.