I'm so, so lonely.
I can breathe for the first time.
Friday, 12 March 2010
Friday, 5 March 2010
I don't know who you are
It's been an awful long time since I last posted here.
I've been drinking so much that it's almost difficult to figure out what I need to post about.
I can't remember what happened at Boogie the day after my last post. It can't have been that exciting.
Either way, at some point over the past few weeks, Laura and I decided to venture to Propaganda for once, for a change of scenery. We met Cat and Charlie there, who we spent the entire night with on the metal floor - which was fantastic. Laura pulled some boy who was not-too-bad looking. I, however, did nothing other than talk to Alex outside afterwards. He was with Ross, and Micie, who looked unimpressed that I was talking to her "friend". I added Alex on Facebook when I got home, I don't think we even talked for a while. I can't remember when I even saw him next after that.
Time's been going so fast and I can't keep track of what's happening when.
Turns out that Alex is a good friend of Kenresa's, and so whenever Kenresa's about, Alex is too. So, last week at Boogie, I hung out with all three of them for a bit, ended up with Ross' tie, walked home alone. One of Jonny D's friends, Bertie, found me moping on the stairs at about 4am, and kept me company. Kissed me. Ended up falling asleep with my in my room at 7:30am. Nothing exciting happened. Mere kissing.
The following Saturday was a Tone Radio fundraiser over at Park campus, which I went to with Jess. Alex was there, and so we spent a lot of time with him and Kenresa. He complimented my shoes. When we were all inside, gathered around a table, I was sort of leaning against his chair, which lead to me sitting on the chair between his legs. I squeezed his knee a little bit, and he responded by squeezing me with his legs. It was kinda cute. I gave him my scarf as we were leaving, just tied it round his neck. Apparently, Ross wasn't pleased about this because I have his tie. Jess and I got the taxi back with Alex, Kenresa and Estelle. Alex sat in front of me, and I held his hand sneakily the entire drive back to Pittville. Jess told me a lot earlier in the night that Alex had been sleeping with Micie for a while, but Alex seemed to have a lot to say against her when she came up in conversation.
Nothing really happened until this week's Boogie, to which I went with Hayley and Martin, for once. We went down to the SU first, where Micie and her friend accosted Martin when Hayley was talking to Jodie. I thought I'd be kind, and save Martin by standing with him. Micie took this as a sign to start talking to me, which she did. She wouldn't stop talking. She told me to add her on Facebook so that she could invite me to her birthday party, but I figured she just wanted to keep an eye on me.
We left to go to Boogie, and spent a long time drinking and dancing. I saw Alex upstairs playing Blackjack, and went over and said hello. We talked very briefly, and then I told him I must be off, and promised to see him later, with a quick kiss on the cheek. More drinking and dancing ensued. Hayley and Martin left relatively early, since Martin had gotten himself horrendously drunk and wanted to go to bed. I have absolutely no idea where I went for the next half hour, but I soon came across Alex, Kenresa, Estelle and Micie. Alex didn't really say a lot to me, and I later said to Kenresa that I thought he was avoiding me. I then let slip that I rather like him, and she hastily went to tell Alex that I thought he was avoiding me. He came over and told me that he wasn't avoiding me, but he'd just had a shit week, so I let him get on with it a bit. We all ended up dancing a bit, and Micie kept really obviously dancing between me and Alex, which was just stupid.
Boogie finished, I got a taxi home with Jess and Naomi and explained the whole Alex thing to them. Jess told me the next day that Micie had called her crying at 5:30am saying that she was going to Bournemouth on Thursday, and didn't want me to get with Alex at Props. Like it's any of her business.
Alex messaged me afterwards, telling me he kept trying to get rid of Micie and she wouldn't leave him alone, and he was disappointed that she kept dancing between us because he really wanted to see more of me.
I didn't go to Props, but it seems that would've been my only ever oppertunity to get hold of Alex without Micie keeping her hawk-eye on me. What's meant to be, I guess.
I spoke to Alex on Facebook on Friday evening, and he said that he was going to be playing poker in the SU later, and asked if I was going to go down there. I told him I would, and asked Jess nicely if she'd come down with me. She did. And the SU was dead, except for those playing poker, and Micie, who was hanging around Alex like she'd die otherwise. Jess and I had a few drinks, and Micie thought it was a good idea to come and talk to us for a bit. She kept talking to me though, specifically me, and even Jess pointed out later that she was talking to me a bit too much. Like she was trying to suss me out.
The SU slowly filled up; Erin came in with some of her friends, Nik, Tom and Steve came in after their radio show, Josh, Kirsty and Cloey and their lot came down as well. Made Jess and I look a bit more popular as we had people to talk to, someone else to sit with. It got later and loads of people left, until only a few of us were left while Alex cleaned up after the poker. I went to the toilets and met Josh outside on the way. We hugged several times, confessed our love for each other, and walked off. Chaz kicked us all out of the SU a few minutes later, and we all walked over to Sayer. Josh invited us all up to his room to watch The Land Before Time. Josh, Jess, Martyn and some girls went up to Josh's room, leaving me, Alex, Micie, Nik and Tom outside. Alex said he wanted to, but made excuses and said he had to go home, started walking away, and Micie followed him. So I wasn't too pleased. I walked back to Riley alone, and sat on the wall outside for about 5 minutes and shed a few tears. Then I decided I didn't want to be alone in my room, and headed back to Sayer, where Martyn was standing by the door talking to Tom and Nik. I went up to Josh's room with Martyn, where Jess came to the door and asked me if I was okay. I said I was, but clearly I wasn't, because I got a bit teary. She told me to go sit in the common room with her, and I sat on her lap and explained that Micie had followed Alex home. I was really very teary at this point, but she calmed me down and we went to watch The Land Before Time.
I left at 1am because of the early morning on Saturday, and sent Alex a message when I got in saying that I thought he wanted to see me, and I was disappointed that he'd gone off with Micie. Half an hour later, I thought I was bossing him about a bit much, so I sent him another one telling him to ignore the previous message and that he could do what he liked. I went to bed, and woke up a few hours later to a longggg message in response. He started it by telling me how cute the messages were, and that he knew how bad it must've looked that Micie followed him home. He assured me that he's firmly told her to piss off, and went into this big long novel about their past and such. He added, in the middle, that at one point during his game of poker, he tried to lose all his chips so that he could come to talk to me, which was adorable. He also said that he wanted to come and watch the film with us, but since Micie was there, he didn't want to cause any drama. He apologised, though.
Bournemouth, though! Martin drove us down there; me, him, Hayley and Hana. We spent loads of time on the beach, we had some fish and chips, went for a coffee, played with the penny machines and all sorts. It was nice to get away from everything, spend time with the Riley lot. Change of scenery. We agreed that we'd do it more often.
It's been hectic. And this was one hell of a blog post. Til next time.
When you're sleeping in someone else's bed.
I've been drinking so much that it's almost difficult to figure out what I need to post about.
I can't remember what happened at Boogie the day after my last post. It can't have been that exciting.
Either way, at some point over the past few weeks, Laura and I decided to venture to Propaganda for once, for a change of scenery. We met Cat and Charlie there, who we spent the entire night with on the metal floor - which was fantastic. Laura pulled some boy who was not-too-bad looking. I, however, did nothing other than talk to Alex outside afterwards. He was with Ross, and Micie, who looked unimpressed that I was talking to her "friend". I added Alex on Facebook when I got home, I don't think we even talked for a while. I can't remember when I even saw him next after that.
Time's been going so fast and I can't keep track of what's happening when.
Turns out that Alex is a good friend of Kenresa's, and so whenever Kenresa's about, Alex is too. So, last week at Boogie, I hung out with all three of them for a bit, ended up with Ross' tie, walked home alone. One of Jonny D's friends, Bertie, found me moping on the stairs at about 4am, and kept me company. Kissed me. Ended up falling asleep with my in my room at 7:30am. Nothing exciting happened. Mere kissing.
The following Saturday was a Tone Radio fundraiser over at Park campus, which I went to with Jess. Alex was there, and so we spent a lot of time with him and Kenresa. He complimented my shoes. When we were all inside, gathered around a table, I was sort of leaning against his chair, which lead to me sitting on the chair between his legs. I squeezed his knee a little bit, and he responded by squeezing me with his legs. It was kinda cute. I gave him my scarf as we were leaving, just tied it round his neck. Apparently, Ross wasn't pleased about this because I have his tie. Jess and I got the taxi back with Alex, Kenresa and Estelle. Alex sat in front of me, and I held his hand sneakily the entire drive back to Pittville. Jess told me a lot earlier in the night that Alex had been sleeping with Micie for a while, but Alex seemed to have a lot to say against her when she came up in conversation.
Nothing really happened until this week's Boogie, to which I went with Hayley and Martin, for once. We went down to the SU first, where Micie and her friend accosted Martin when Hayley was talking to Jodie. I thought I'd be kind, and save Martin by standing with him. Micie took this as a sign to start talking to me, which she did. She wouldn't stop talking. She told me to add her on Facebook so that she could invite me to her birthday party, but I figured she just wanted to keep an eye on me.
We left to go to Boogie, and spent a long time drinking and dancing. I saw Alex upstairs playing Blackjack, and went over and said hello. We talked very briefly, and then I told him I must be off, and promised to see him later, with a quick kiss on the cheek. More drinking and dancing ensued. Hayley and Martin left relatively early, since Martin had gotten himself horrendously drunk and wanted to go to bed. I have absolutely no idea where I went for the next half hour, but I soon came across Alex, Kenresa, Estelle and Micie. Alex didn't really say a lot to me, and I later said to Kenresa that I thought he was avoiding me. I then let slip that I rather like him, and she hastily went to tell Alex that I thought he was avoiding me. He came over and told me that he wasn't avoiding me, but he'd just had a shit week, so I let him get on with it a bit. We all ended up dancing a bit, and Micie kept really obviously dancing between me and Alex, which was just stupid.
Boogie finished, I got a taxi home with Jess and Naomi and explained the whole Alex thing to them. Jess told me the next day that Micie had called her crying at 5:30am saying that she was going to Bournemouth on Thursday, and didn't want me to get with Alex at Props. Like it's any of her business.
Alex messaged me afterwards, telling me he kept trying to get rid of Micie and she wouldn't leave him alone, and he was disappointed that she kept dancing between us because he really wanted to see more of me.
I didn't go to Props, but it seems that would've been my only ever oppertunity to get hold of Alex without Micie keeping her hawk-eye on me. What's meant to be, I guess.
I spoke to Alex on Facebook on Friday evening, and he said that he was going to be playing poker in the SU later, and asked if I was going to go down there. I told him I would, and asked Jess nicely if she'd come down with me. She did. And the SU was dead, except for those playing poker, and Micie, who was hanging around Alex like she'd die otherwise. Jess and I had a few drinks, and Micie thought it was a good idea to come and talk to us for a bit. She kept talking to me though, specifically me, and even Jess pointed out later that she was talking to me a bit too much. Like she was trying to suss me out.
The SU slowly filled up; Erin came in with some of her friends, Nik, Tom and Steve came in after their radio show, Josh, Kirsty and Cloey and their lot came down as well. Made Jess and I look a bit more popular as we had people to talk to, someone else to sit with. It got later and loads of people left, until only a few of us were left while Alex cleaned up after the poker. I went to the toilets and met Josh outside on the way. We hugged several times, confessed our love for each other, and walked off. Chaz kicked us all out of the SU a few minutes later, and we all walked over to Sayer. Josh invited us all up to his room to watch The Land Before Time. Josh, Jess, Martyn and some girls went up to Josh's room, leaving me, Alex, Micie, Nik and Tom outside. Alex said he wanted to, but made excuses and said he had to go home, started walking away, and Micie followed him. So I wasn't too pleased. I walked back to Riley alone, and sat on the wall outside for about 5 minutes and shed a few tears. Then I decided I didn't want to be alone in my room, and headed back to Sayer, where Martyn was standing by the door talking to Tom and Nik. I went up to Josh's room with Martyn, where Jess came to the door and asked me if I was okay. I said I was, but clearly I wasn't, because I got a bit teary. She told me to go sit in the common room with her, and I sat on her lap and explained that Micie had followed Alex home. I was really very teary at this point, but she calmed me down and we went to watch The Land Before Time.
I left at 1am because of the early morning on Saturday, and sent Alex a message when I got in saying that I thought he wanted to see me, and I was disappointed that he'd gone off with Micie. Half an hour later, I thought I was bossing him about a bit much, so I sent him another one telling him to ignore the previous message and that he could do what he liked. I went to bed, and woke up a few hours later to a longggg message in response. He started it by telling me how cute the messages were, and that he knew how bad it must've looked that Micie followed him home. He assured me that he's firmly told her to piss off, and went into this big long novel about their past and such. He added, in the middle, that at one point during his game of poker, he tried to lose all his chips so that he could come to talk to me, which was adorable. He also said that he wanted to come and watch the film with us, but since Micie was there, he didn't want to cause any drama. He apologised, though.
Bournemouth, though! Martin drove us down there; me, him, Hayley and Hana. We spent loads of time on the beach, we had some fish and chips, went for a coffee, played with the penny machines and all sorts. It was nice to get away from everything, spend time with the Riley lot. Change of scenery. We agreed that we'd do it more often.
It's been hectic. And this was one hell of a blog post. Til next time.
When you're sleeping in someone else's bed.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Desperate minds means desperate measures
I feel a little bit ill, but I'm blaming that on a certain time of the month, mixed with eating too many pancakes earlier. I'm absolutely bloody knackered as well.
It's gotten to the point that I'm sick of seeing Hayley and Martin together. They make me feel a bit uncomfortable. I spend most of my time in my room with the door shut now, and I miss hanging out with them but I feel like I'm intruding when I do. I need to get out more. It won't bother me so much then, hopefully.
Did the usual Tuesday routine of showing round prospective TVP students again today. Surprisingly enough, Jake was one of these students. I was pleased to see him. I showed him round. It was nice. Saw Lou a bit today, as well, which was nice, since I haven't seen him in quite a while.
I saw two very attractive boys around uni today. One of which I've never seen before. Passed him on the stairs. Dark hair, good fashion sense, half-sleeve. Beautiful. Laura and I couldn't take our eyes off him. Then there was another one who I've seen once or twice. Sort of blonde, half-sleeve. I saw him out my window yesterday as well. Black skinny jeans, pale blue shirt, grey waistcoat. I nearly said "phwoar". I swear, when I saw him today, that he was checking me out too. Fingers crossed.
That said, I've been feeling particularly lonely lately. I think it's because Hayley and Martin have been locked away together a lot, Lou hasn't been to visit me much, I've seen Arwel with his girlfriend, it's been Valentine's day and I know all the boys I flirt with want me as...just a girl to flirt with. It makes me miss home a lot. I really miss home. There's nothing I'd rather do than give Kirsty a really big cuddle. I miss my little sisters. I miss my mummy and my daddy. I miss Matt but I've kind of gotten used to never seeing him. Cuddling is totally underrated. But I've been feeling so alone lately, I'd do anything for someone to just curl up with me for a little while and forget about the rest of the world. Stroke my hair and make me feel like they want me.
Just for a little while.
You've got to get this one together.
It's gotten to the point that I'm sick of seeing Hayley and Martin together. They make me feel a bit uncomfortable. I spend most of my time in my room with the door shut now, and I miss hanging out with them but I feel like I'm intruding when I do. I need to get out more. It won't bother me so much then, hopefully.
Did the usual Tuesday routine of showing round prospective TVP students again today. Surprisingly enough, Jake was one of these students. I was pleased to see him. I showed him round. It was nice. Saw Lou a bit today, as well, which was nice, since I haven't seen him in quite a while.
I saw two very attractive boys around uni today. One of which I've never seen before. Passed him on the stairs. Dark hair, good fashion sense, half-sleeve. Beautiful. Laura and I couldn't take our eyes off him. Then there was another one who I've seen once or twice. Sort of blonde, half-sleeve. I saw him out my window yesterday as well. Black skinny jeans, pale blue shirt, grey waistcoat. I nearly said "phwoar". I swear, when I saw him today, that he was checking me out too. Fingers crossed.
That said, I've been feeling particularly lonely lately. I think it's because Hayley and Martin have been locked away together a lot, Lou hasn't been to visit me much, I've seen Arwel with his girlfriend, it's been Valentine's day and I know all the boys I flirt with want me as...just a girl to flirt with. It makes me miss home a lot. I really miss home. There's nothing I'd rather do than give Kirsty a really big cuddle. I miss my little sisters. I miss my mummy and my daddy. I miss Matt but I've kind of gotten used to never seeing him. Cuddling is totally underrated. But I've been feeling so alone lately, I'd do anything for someone to just curl up with me for a little while and forget about the rest of the world. Stroke my hair and make me feel like they want me.
Just for a little while.
You've got to get this one together.
Sunday, 14 February 2010
She said, "I'm jealous of Los Angeles"
I just thought, as well, of Arwel. In the SU on Friday, Caragh pointed him out and said she thought he's fit. And I told her that I know, and that he's got the world's most beautiful Welsh accent. I also told her that he has a girlfriend, but I have first dibs on him when he's single.
Realistically, I'm more attracted to him than I am to the large majority of boys. I think I wouldn't be quite so attracted to him if it weren't for that darned accent - it makes me weak at the knees.
And I remembered, I spoke to Aaron and Jack on Facebook chat on Friday night when I got in. Aaron and I didn't talk about much, but he said he was going to "ned", and we made ourselves somewhat of an in-joke about it. He set his Facebook status as "going to ned", and I felt quite touched.
Jack, however, sent me multiple Youtube links to songs he liked. I appreciated this. I feel like we kind of bonded, but like...I don't want to read too much into it because it was just a friendly gesture. It did make me rather happy, though, because it's Jack, and he's beautiful.
She gets to keep you for a month or two.
Realistically, I'm more attracted to him than I am to the large majority of boys. I think I wouldn't be quite so attracted to him if it weren't for that darned accent - it makes me weak at the knees.
And I remembered, I spoke to Aaron and Jack on Facebook chat on Friday night when I got in. Aaron and I didn't talk about much, but he said he was going to "ned", and we made ourselves somewhat of an in-joke about it. He set his Facebook status as "going to ned", and I felt quite touched.
Jack, however, sent me multiple Youtube links to songs he liked. I appreciated this. I feel like we kind of bonded, but like...I don't want to read too much into it because it was just a friendly gesture. It did make me rather happy, though, because it's Jack, and he's beautiful.
She gets to keep you for a month or two.
Who do you want to see?
It is Valentine's day. I have spent the entire day inside, alone. Bedroom door shut. Don't want Hayley and Martin to rub their in-love-ness in my face. He bought her some flowers, with a card that said "I'll love you until the last flower dies". Turns out he put a plastic flower in there so it'll never die. Soppy git.
No one asked me if I wanted to do anything, which is depressing. Seems all those guys I know only want me as a sort of...fling. I texted Thomas today, just to say "Happy Valentine's day". I didn't get a reply. I wasn't expecting one.
I got some work done today, though. Nearly a whole page of the textual analysis assignment that's due in on Wednesday. I'm going to finish it tomorrow.
It has been a relatively interesting week since my last blog post. Wednesday obviously meant Boogie Lounge. We went round to Nik's first and got a bit merry, went to Boogie quite late but it was absolutely dead. Even so, we got even merrier and danced and partied and had a good time. I saw Robbie, stole his hat. Twice. Lost it. Twice. He didn't look too pleased with me. When Boogie finished, Laura and that lot left without me, on my instruction, as Robbie and I tried to decide on our plan for the rest of the night. He said he wanted me to go back to his, but didn't want it to happen "like this", as in, when we were drunk. We ended up going back to his anyway. It was eventful, but comfortable. There was no weirdness. He paid for us both to get a taxi back to campus in the morning. No one knows exactly what happened that night and I have no intention to tell anyone.
Friday night was host to some Valentine's night at the SU. I'd already agreed earlier in the day with Laura that we'd go down there for a gossip. I was talking to Mark on Facebook chat about an hour before I went down there, and he asked me to go round to his. I said he only wanted me to go round for rude reasons, and he didn't deny it. He then asked me to go out to some club with him, and then back to his afterwards. I declined but told him I'd be at the SU later, and he could see me there. Later, I went down to the SU with Laura, Caragh, Katy and Olwen. The latter three left early. They were just finishing up a Blind Date game when we got there, shame really, as it looked entertaining. Robbie was DJ'ing. Arwel was sitting about with his friends, shot me a wave. I smiled back. Jon was there, being Jon, and he texted me to say hi. Mark came in a little bit later. He came over to the bar and...well, he was being Mark, so I went over and had a brief chat with him. I had a few little chats with Aaron here and there, but a little bit later, Laura and I went and sat on the arms of the sofas in the middle of the room, and Aaron came over and properly talked to us for a while. Meanwhile, Arwel kind of appeared beside me, hugged me and apologised for not talking to me that night. I said it was okay, and he said he'd see me soon. I asked if he'd be at Boogie on Wednesday, and he said maybe, and then yes. He hugged me again, and again, and then left.
The SU was pretty empty by then, and I was discussing with Laura whether or not we should sit with Aaron and Jack. Just as I was saying we should, Aaron started pulling faces and mouthing offensive words at me, so we went and sat with them. He told me how he fancies Emily an awful lot. I felt a little bad for Laura at this point, because I admit, I was neglecting her. The conversation with the boys dwindled and the bar closed, so the boys left, as did Laura. I went and talked to Jon momentarily, and he didn't have a lot to say, but he did try and hold my hand, which I avoided. Everyone else left, besides Robbie, so I hung about and talked to him for a bit. He had a smoke outside, and kissed me quickly before asking me to see his band Saturday lunchtime at some venue in town. I told him maybe, and he left.
I didn't go to see him yesterday. I talked to Hana about it, though, and she's convinced he actually likes me, as more than a fling. But I don't quite like him that much.
Speaking of relationships and that, though, I had a think about possible boyfriend situations. I have realised that my need to have constant flings is a psychological problem based in wanting everyone to like me, stemming from no one liking me thoughout the rest of my youth. I've also decided that I'm not going to think "I want a boyfriend", or "I just want innocent flings", because I am instead going to just go with the flow, take each blow as it comes. See what happens. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself.
My left eye is bloody swollen in the corner. Hurts like a motherbitch when I blink. Took my contact lenses out and shoved some eye drops in it, hoping it'll sort itself out by tomorrow. Stupid eye.
Who do you want to be tonight?
No one asked me if I wanted to do anything, which is depressing. Seems all those guys I know only want me as a sort of...fling. I texted Thomas today, just to say "Happy Valentine's day". I didn't get a reply. I wasn't expecting one.
I got some work done today, though. Nearly a whole page of the textual analysis assignment that's due in on Wednesday. I'm going to finish it tomorrow.
It has been a relatively interesting week since my last blog post. Wednesday obviously meant Boogie Lounge. We went round to Nik's first and got a bit merry, went to Boogie quite late but it was absolutely dead. Even so, we got even merrier and danced and partied and had a good time. I saw Robbie, stole his hat. Twice. Lost it. Twice. He didn't look too pleased with me. When Boogie finished, Laura and that lot left without me, on my instruction, as Robbie and I tried to decide on our plan for the rest of the night. He said he wanted me to go back to his, but didn't want it to happen "like this", as in, when we were drunk. We ended up going back to his anyway. It was eventful, but comfortable. There was no weirdness. He paid for us both to get a taxi back to campus in the morning. No one knows exactly what happened that night and I have no intention to tell anyone.
Friday night was host to some Valentine's night at the SU. I'd already agreed earlier in the day with Laura that we'd go down there for a gossip. I was talking to Mark on Facebook chat about an hour before I went down there, and he asked me to go round to his. I said he only wanted me to go round for rude reasons, and he didn't deny it. He then asked me to go out to some club with him, and then back to his afterwards. I declined but told him I'd be at the SU later, and he could see me there. Later, I went down to the SU with Laura, Caragh, Katy and Olwen. The latter three left early. They were just finishing up a Blind Date game when we got there, shame really, as it looked entertaining. Robbie was DJ'ing. Arwel was sitting about with his friends, shot me a wave. I smiled back. Jon was there, being Jon, and he texted me to say hi. Mark came in a little bit later. He came over to the bar and...well, he was being Mark, so I went over and had a brief chat with him. I had a few little chats with Aaron here and there, but a little bit later, Laura and I went and sat on the arms of the sofas in the middle of the room, and Aaron came over and properly talked to us for a while. Meanwhile, Arwel kind of appeared beside me, hugged me and apologised for not talking to me that night. I said it was okay, and he said he'd see me soon. I asked if he'd be at Boogie on Wednesday, and he said maybe, and then yes. He hugged me again, and again, and then left.
The SU was pretty empty by then, and I was discussing with Laura whether or not we should sit with Aaron and Jack. Just as I was saying we should, Aaron started pulling faces and mouthing offensive words at me, so we went and sat with them. He told me how he fancies Emily an awful lot. I felt a little bad for Laura at this point, because I admit, I was neglecting her. The conversation with the boys dwindled and the bar closed, so the boys left, as did Laura. I went and talked to Jon momentarily, and he didn't have a lot to say, but he did try and hold my hand, which I avoided. Everyone else left, besides Robbie, so I hung about and talked to him for a bit. He had a smoke outside, and kissed me quickly before asking me to see his band Saturday lunchtime at some venue in town. I told him maybe, and he left.
I didn't go to see him yesterday. I talked to Hana about it, though, and she's convinced he actually likes me, as more than a fling. But I don't quite like him that much.
Speaking of relationships and that, though, I had a think about possible boyfriend situations. I have realised that my need to have constant flings is a psychological problem based in wanting everyone to like me, stemming from no one liking me thoughout the rest of my youth. I've also decided that I'm not going to think "I want a boyfriend", or "I just want innocent flings", because I am instead going to just go with the flow, take each blow as it comes. See what happens. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself.
My left eye is bloody swollen in the corner. Hurts like a motherbitch when I blink. Took my contact lenses out and shoved some eye drops in it, hoping it'll sort itself out by tomorrow. Stupid eye.
Who do you want to be tonight?
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Let's twist again
I'm in a weird mood. Like, I'm feeling really thoughtful, sort of lonely.
Retrospective.
I miss Teeto. I really miss him. I haven't spoken to him since early January, and even then, that wasn't a proper conversation. I miss him so much. I feel a little bit like...since I invested so much time and thought and care in him, he's taken a little part of me, now that we don't talk anymore. I don't even know why we don't talk, it's stupid. I just want him back, because for a little while, he was mine. I want to call him and ask him what he's playing at, but I know he either won't pick up, or he'll tell me something I don't want to know.
I miss Dan as well. I loved knowing him, meeting him at Glastonbury, having him stay round for my birthday. We got on so well, I sort of almost thought it'd turn into something beautiful if it weren't for the distance. After texting him a couple of days ago, though, I've pretty much established that it was just a fling. Nothing was supposed to come of it. Nothing will.
After talking to Martin about it a bit the other day, I've realised I don't want Lou. I mean, I want him as a friend, and I love being able to cuddle him and that. Equally well, I want a boyfriend. The thing is, I don't want Lou to be my boyfriend. But I really, really would like a relationship. I suppose two years and four months of being single has finally really hit me.
I want to pick up a guitar again. And by that, I mean I want to actually learn this time. Not play the same chord sequences over and over. I want to learn things. I want to learn acoustic songs. I want to cover Let's Twist Again, acoustically, and make it soulful. Almost like it was written by someone when they're hurting. Retrospectively. Left-handed acoustics are far too much money though, I'll really have to save up. Or get a job.
Arwel walked past my window a little while ago. He was with his girlfriend, and they were holding hands. Whilst I don't have a problem with this, it was kind of weird for me to see him with someone else. Partly because he acts single when he goes out, and clearly, I'm the only girl he tends to flirt with when he's out. He buys me drinks every week without fail. Why act like you're available when you're not?
Like we did last summer. Let's twist again, like we did last year.
Retrospective.
I miss Teeto. I really miss him. I haven't spoken to him since early January, and even then, that wasn't a proper conversation. I miss him so much. I feel a little bit like...since I invested so much time and thought and care in him, he's taken a little part of me, now that we don't talk anymore. I don't even know why we don't talk, it's stupid. I just want him back, because for a little while, he was mine. I want to call him and ask him what he's playing at, but I know he either won't pick up, or he'll tell me something I don't want to know.
I miss Dan as well. I loved knowing him, meeting him at Glastonbury, having him stay round for my birthday. We got on so well, I sort of almost thought it'd turn into something beautiful if it weren't for the distance. After texting him a couple of days ago, though, I've pretty much established that it was just a fling. Nothing was supposed to come of it. Nothing will.
After talking to Martin about it a bit the other day, I've realised I don't want Lou. I mean, I want him as a friend, and I love being able to cuddle him and that. Equally well, I want a boyfriend. The thing is, I don't want Lou to be my boyfriend. But I really, really would like a relationship. I suppose two years and four months of being single has finally really hit me.
I want to pick up a guitar again. And by that, I mean I want to actually learn this time. Not play the same chord sequences over and over. I want to learn things. I want to learn acoustic songs. I want to cover Let's Twist Again, acoustically, and make it soulful. Almost like it was written by someone when they're hurting. Retrospectively. Left-handed acoustics are far too much money though, I'll really have to save up. Or get a job.
Arwel walked past my window a little while ago. He was with his girlfriend, and they were holding hands. Whilst I don't have a problem with this, it was kind of weird for me to see him with someone else. Partly because he acts single when he goes out, and clearly, I'm the only girl he tends to flirt with when he's out. He buys me drinks every week without fail. Why act like you're available when you're not?
Like we did last summer. Let's twist again, like we did last year.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Next thing, we're touching
Hellooooo Saturday night in. I've spent the past half hour discovering dubstep on YouTube, and have made myself a sexy little playlist to get me in a party mood. Why I'm listening to it now is beyond me, but it'll come in handy on Monday night when I'm preparing to go out to Kishi's dubstep night at Boogie Lounge, which is also the TVP social, thanks to me.
It's been a pretty average week. Not a lot has happened. Well. That might be an understatement.
Lou came round soon after my last blog post. Despite it being gone 10pm, he realised I was having a mental breakdown and cycled over here like a little trooper to cheer me up. Unsurprisingly, this lead to smooching and slight filthiness, and he stayed til 3am. I kicked him out, feeling slightly bad. I would've let him stay for the night but I was determined to be a good girl. So he left. He came round again on Sunday, though I steered clear of any smooching as I'd gotten a bit frightened he'd get the wrong idea. The whole weekend was a bit dull, though, since I was feeling awfully ill and so wasn't really keen on the idea of doing much. And Hayley and Martin weren't in.
Tuesday was spent making cakes with Laura, for the TVP cake sale we had on Wednesday. We made some little brownie cupcakes and then these little fairy cakes with mini egg nests on the top. We had a meeting Tuesday night in the SU to discuss what was happening with the cake sale, but once it finished, Laura and I realised there was going to be "live music" and cheap booze in the SU, so we popped off to get some money and returned shortly after. We ended up sitting about with Isobel and Bryony, who bought us some shots and got me a little bit tipsy. Naughty girls. I ended up talking to Isobel about Lou, since they're good friends, and she said I should get with Lou just so I can go round to his house all the time, and she can come round to see me. I ended up explaining the wholeeee Lou situation to her, and she totally understood, but still thinks I should get with him. Silly. I ended up texting him about it, and we kind of agreed that we'll stay just friends but we enjoyed the relative filth of Friday night, and sort of said...whatever happens, happens. Which was lovely.
Wednesday, of course, meant Boogie Lounge! I had a slight problem in that Laura didn't want to come out with me, and Martin and Hayley were staying in as well, so I had to beg Lottie and Kasia to let me go with them. Which I did. Spent most of the night with Cat, which was a laugh and a half. Turns out she's pretty good friends with Arwel because she lives with his girlfriend, so she wanted to talk to him for a fair bit. So...while she was talking to him at the bar, I was subtly stroking his leg. And when she decided to play Blackjack with him a few minutes later, I casually leant my leg against his and played with his fingers. Sure enough, the minute I turned my back, the filthy bugger grabbed my arse and held my hands, which was pretty difficult for me, since I had to act to Cat like nothing was going on.
I did see Lou at Boogie, and he got plentyyyy of hugs, but nothing very exciting. I also saw Dean, who very drunkenly sat down with me, held my hand and kissed my cheek about a billion times. I would've given him a minor smooch if it weren't for the fact I was slightly worried he might vomit on me.
This week's major Boogie event was smooching Mark. Oh yes, I smooched Mark. Before the smooching was a minor bit of hand holding, when Rich apologised to me AGAIN for the shenanigans ages ago, and I promised him it was okay. Wee bit later on, saw Mark again and...I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but there was kissing. He then told me he needed a wee, so I let him go. As he left, I saw all his mates standing behind him, jaws wide open in shock. Moments later, they ran up the stairs after him, to give him the third degree, undoubtedly. Meanwhile, I found my glorious Welsh friend and he bought me a drink. He also asked for my number, and then apologised for his rudeness, but also asked for my name. I told him it was Becky, and he asked what I'd like to be saved as, "Becky or Becks or what?". I said it was up to him, and he saved me as "Sexy lady". Let's see him explain that one to his girlfriend. He vanished soon after, and Mark reappeared. Further kissing ensued until Mark suggested we leave. I went to the loos briefly before we left, and met Arwel again just outside the loos. He was looking a bit down, so I asked if he was okay and he said he was wasted. I sat with him, arms linked, and told him I knew he had a girlfriend. He didn't look too pleased, but I said I still thought he was lovely, and I was still in love with his accent, and it didn't change anything. I promised I'd see him next Wednesday. Which I will. Amber and Ellie saw us there, and asked what we were up to, but we both reassured them we were just talking. They didn't look convinced.
Anyway, I then shimmied back to see Mark. I got my coat, we left. We stopped at Regency so he could get a lighter or something off one of his friends. A friend who gave me a good look up and down - I think he was trying to figure out if I was going to sleep with Mark. So we walked back to Pittville, where I asked him, quite persistantly, what he was expecting from me. It made him squirm, thus, I thoroughly enjoyed it. He came back to mine, anyway, and there was kissing and various other innocent activity until roughly 6am. Then he left. He left one of his hobo gloves behind, though, and so I shall be forced to give it back. I do regret him coming round. I suddenly find him about fifty times less attractive. There is no mystery left.
All of this has helped me decide that I shall behave myself from now on. Get back into my no-smooching rule, and start no-smooching February. And I'll act like nothing ever happened with Mark. Plan and a half.
Everybody's starry-eyed.
It's been a pretty average week. Not a lot has happened. Well. That might be an understatement.
Lou came round soon after my last blog post. Despite it being gone 10pm, he realised I was having a mental breakdown and cycled over here like a little trooper to cheer me up. Unsurprisingly, this lead to smooching and slight filthiness, and he stayed til 3am. I kicked him out, feeling slightly bad. I would've let him stay for the night but I was determined to be a good girl. So he left. He came round again on Sunday, though I steered clear of any smooching as I'd gotten a bit frightened he'd get the wrong idea. The whole weekend was a bit dull, though, since I was feeling awfully ill and so wasn't really keen on the idea of doing much. And Hayley and Martin weren't in.
Tuesday was spent making cakes with Laura, for the TVP cake sale we had on Wednesday. We made some little brownie cupcakes and then these little fairy cakes with mini egg nests on the top. We had a meeting Tuesday night in the SU to discuss what was happening with the cake sale, but once it finished, Laura and I realised there was going to be "live music" and cheap booze in the SU, so we popped off to get some money and returned shortly after. We ended up sitting about with Isobel and Bryony, who bought us some shots and got me a little bit tipsy. Naughty girls. I ended up talking to Isobel about Lou, since they're good friends, and she said I should get with Lou just so I can go round to his house all the time, and she can come round to see me. I ended up explaining the wholeeee Lou situation to her, and she totally understood, but still thinks I should get with him. Silly. I ended up texting him about it, and we kind of agreed that we'll stay just friends but we enjoyed the relative filth of Friday night, and sort of said...whatever happens, happens. Which was lovely.
Wednesday, of course, meant Boogie Lounge! I had a slight problem in that Laura didn't want to come out with me, and Martin and Hayley were staying in as well, so I had to beg Lottie and Kasia to let me go with them. Which I did. Spent most of the night with Cat, which was a laugh and a half. Turns out she's pretty good friends with Arwel because she lives with his girlfriend, so she wanted to talk to him for a fair bit. So...while she was talking to him at the bar, I was subtly stroking his leg. And when she decided to play Blackjack with him a few minutes later, I casually leant my leg against his and played with his fingers. Sure enough, the minute I turned my back, the filthy bugger grabbed my arse and held my hands, which was pretty difficult for me, since I had to act to Cat like nothing was going on.
I did see Lou at Boogie, and he got plentyyyy of hugs, but nothing very exciting. I also saw Dean, who very drunkenly sat down with me, held my hand and kissed my cheek about a billion times. I would've given him a minor smooch if it weren't for the fact I was slightly worried he might vomit on me.
This week's major Boogie event was smooching Mark. Oh yes, I smooched Mark. Before the smooching was a minor bit of hand holding, when Rich apologised to me AGAIN for the shenanigans ages ago, and I promised him it was okay. Wee bit later on, saw Mark again and...I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but there was kissing. He then told me he needed a wee, so I let him go. As he left, I saw all his mates standing behind him, jaws wide open in shock. Moments later, they ran up the stairs after him, to give him the third degree, undoubtedly. Meanwhile, I found my glorious Welsh friend and he bought me a drink. He also asked for my number, and then apologised for his rudeness, but also asked for my name. I told him it was Becky, and he asked what I'd like to be saved as, "Becky or Becks or what?". I said it was up to him, and he saved me as "Sexy lady". Let's see him explain that one to his girlfriend. He vanished soon after, and Mark reappeared. Further kissing ensued until Mark suggested we leave. I went to the loos briefly before we left, and met Arwel again just outside the loos. He was looking a bit down, so I asked if he was okay and he said he was wasted. I sat with him, arms linked, and told him I knew he had a girlfriend. He didn't look too pleased, but I said I still thought he was lovely, and I was still in love with his accent, and it didn't change anything. I promised I'd see him next Wednesday. Which I will. Amber and Ellie saw us there, and asked what we were up to, but we both reassured them we were just talking. They didn't look convinced.
Anyway, I then shimmied back to see Mark. I got my coat, we left. We stopped at Regency so he could get a lighter or something off one of his friends. A friend who gave me a good look up and down - I think he was trying to figure out if I was going to sleep with Mark. So we walked back to Pittville, where I asked him, quite persistantly, what he was expecting from me. It made him squirm, thus, I thoroughly enjoyed it. He came back to mine, anyway, and there was kissing and various other innocent activity until roughly 6am. Then he left. He left one of his hobo gloves behind, though, and so I shall be forced to give it back. I do regret him coming round. I suddenly find him about fifty times less attractive. There is no mystery left.
All of this has helped me decide that I shall behave myself from now on. Get back into my no-smooching rule, and start no-smooching February. And I'll act like nothing ever happened with Mark. Plan and a half.
Everybody's starry-eyed.
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